Boys boys boys.
I completely allow them to determine my self worth. A whistle out a car window can make my day, but being ignored by a guy in a bar can send me into a spiral of depression. I don't even KNOW THESE MEN.
Somewhat recently a boyfriend that I had, broke up with me for a plethora of ridiculous and selfish reasoning, but that's beside the point. The point is we broke up, and I got deleted from every aspect of his life immediately. I had no right of reply or any chance to come to any kind of understanding. Never to hear from him again (or so I thought). Until now. Now, months later, he decides it is appropriate to bombard me with messages such as this:
"Hey Jackie... you still think I'm hot, right?"
"Let's bang"
"Do you still have the rose from that date?? Probably don't. It would make sense if you didn't. You looked really pretty that night. On the occasions when you smile, it's truly beautiful. You could melt the ice caps with that smile and drown us all."
"You know why I miss your smile? Because it was so satisfying. I didnt see it that often, so when I did, it was like a reward. A beautiful, smiley award."
(Warning, sailor language ahead).
WHAT THE FUCK? Get the fucking McFUCK out of my fucking life you scumbag, asshole, piece of shit, life ruining, SON OF A BITCH.
Now my brain automatically thinks I want... no, NEED chocolate, bed and a depressing movie. It's been my go-to medication for all aches and breaks of the heart.
Since we broke up I have worked really had to try and not allow the male opinion of me effect my opinion of myself, but it's hard. Really, really hard. My entire life I have been taught by the media, and movies, and music, and society, and even to an extent, my friends and family, that life is nothing without love and approval and respect from a guy.
Therefore, whenever I didn't get it, I felt a kick in my self-esteem so hard the only thing that could cure it was eating and crying, and crying and eating, and eating and crying.
This year has been especially brutal in the men stakes, there has been a lot of drama and a lot of what I perceive to be rejection. I think it's partially because I'm 22, and it's being constantly pointed out to me that I am the same age my mother was when she got married, and I am still pathetically single.
From here on in I'm calling these thoughts out for what they are... ridiculous!
I'm 22! I will never be younger or have more freedom than right now, in this moment. I do not need a male to define me. I can define myself, as a smart, strong, beautiful, independent woman. Maybe one day I will meet a guy who agrees that I am all of these things, but I will no longer settle for guys who don't. I don't need them.
The only person I need love from is myself.
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