Saturday
Sunday
Monday
I'm sure you know why some of them are there. I didn't vlog. I didn't blog, but worst of all, I binged. It started innocently enough on Saturday where I didn't do my SSS (I did do pilates though) and continued on with a large latte instead of a small one, 1 slice of pizza too many with my treat meal and a gin and tonic that was really not needed.
It rolled over to Sunday where I was good all day until I devoured half+ a block of Cadbury Marvellous. You know, the one with the little jelly and crunchie bits which is so good I actually made orgasm sounds when I bit into it.
In the scheme of things it was bad, but not the end of the world. I could easily have gotten back on track on Monday, and I planned to, but then everything derailed. I didn't work out, and I ate. Constantly. All day.
I'm about to list every single thing I ate here to make it real to myself and to release the shame that one small girl could possible eat so much food.
Bircher muesli
Tin of tuna
Chicken and zuchini pita pocket
Greek yoghurt
Burgen bread toast with honey
Coconut and mango juice
Slice of strawberry and banana cake
Mountain bread cinnamon chips
Pita pocket with avocado and cheese
Infinite white tea with sugar
Infinite peppermint tea
More bircher muesli
Chocolate soy icecream
Tomato and gherkin toasted sandwhich x 2
Ugh, looking at that list makes me feel ill. This was a true binge. Not a 'I really feel like sugar so I will eat a bag of lollies and get on with my day' type binge. It was the kind of binge I haven't had for years. The kind of binge where you are so full you feel like you will throw up but you cannot stop eating. You don't even want to be eating anymore. It hurts, but you do it anyway. The kind of binge where it doesn't matter what you're eating, it's not for taste, so you make weird combinations of whatever you have around (hello, tomato and gherkin sandwiches?) you just so you have more food to eat. The kind of binge where you feel like you are trying to fill some huge, gaping hole somewhere in your soul.
It was that kind of binge.
Today I feel hungover. I feel entirely ashamed of myself and confused as to why this part of me has reared her ugly head when I have spent so many years, and so much time and energy, trying to lock her in her box back in the deep recesses of my mind.
That said, I also feel hopeful. Hopeful that the reflecting that this binge is causing me will also help me realise why I have been teetering on the brink of maintaining and gaining for so many weeks now.
I don't want to gain, and I don't want to binge. So I'm going to figure out how to stop.
I'll let you know when I figure it out.
